Guilt

I finally broke today. Again. There’s a lot of breaking at the moment, with a hormonal tween in the house and short days and a constant to-do list I’ll never get to the end of.

Mostly, though, what’s destroying me is guilt.

Guilt that I’m using plastic, guilt that I have enough to eat when so very many people don’t. Guilt that I get free healthcare, when people where my sister lives go bankrupt for having a baby. Guilt when I throw food away, guilt for not buying organic. Guilt for flying. Guilt for shopping in a supermarket and not buying local. Guilt for eating meat. Guilt for not making the kids eat vegetables. Guilt that the kids are always unhappy. Guilt that I have zero sex-drive. Guilt that the dogs haven’t been out because I can’t stand one more muddy bath. Guilt that the house is a shit-heap and I’m in bed playing Alphabetty.

Guilt that the kids don’t want anything for Christmas because they basically get whatever they want all the time. Guilt that I’m too tired to put them to bed and instead let them fall asleep watching YouTube. Guilt I don’t get outside more or take the kids to the park. Guilt that I haven’t put the lights up because I have zero Christmas spirit. Guilt that I’m sick of school and homework and yet dread them being home for the holidays. Guilt at the sheer waste of the gifts I’ve bought and the modern-day slaves in China that made it for peanuts and who live terrible lives. Guilt I didn’t buy the school photos, or get to the kids’ assembly. Guilt that I watch TV when I should be working and spend more than I earn.

Guilt that the planet is going to hell in a handcart and I’ve turned my heating up to 20C and loaded the tumble dryer. Guilt that I haven’t planted enough trees or joined Extinction Rebellion or been on a protest march. Guilt that I’m voting tactically in the next election because another day of the poverty caused by the current government makes my heart weep, but really I want to vote Green and save the world, not just the people in my country.

Mostly just guilt that I’m not doing enough, recycling enough, reusing enough, saving enough, being enough.

I’m working as a transcriber for a charity at the moment, Compassion in World Farming (CIWF), focusing very heavily on the climate crisis and the importance of eating less and better meat. It’s very rewarding work, but listening to days and days of audio about the climate crisis is not helping. Then I hang out on Facebook, the only place I have friends, and am bombarded with food banks and politics and say no to plastic. So I turn off the gadgets and stare at my house, full of needless crap I’m too exhausted to sell and too guilty to chuck, and the only thing left is sleep. Until the dogs wake me up, wanting a walk, and it starts all over again.

I’d love to end this diatribe with something cheerful. The CEO of CIWF always ends his interviews with, ‘What gives you hope?’

Right now? Not a lot.

 

One thought on “Guilt

  1. Guilt that I can’t find the write words to help. Guilt that I can’t use correct spelling and grammar. Guilt that I’ll never be anything. Do anything. Guilt that only keeps me going from one day to the next reminding me that what I do is never enough. I’m an effing sinner. Just ask my mum, I’m going to hell. I’ve already conceded there’s no hope for me. Guilty as charged.

    Fuck guilt. You no what else I say to guilt. I’m pregganananannaaattttt!!! Hahahahahaha
    I’m sorry if that doesn’t make you laugh. I really hope you get all the bad references in this comment (if not, let me know, if you’d like a laugh).

    Maybe I’m not helping. Maybe I don’t do enough. (I’m’ma bet the maybe with both of those is really just trying to disguise the truth.) Maybe I should feel guilty. But no one signed up for these lives of emotional hell. We were thrown into this world, bombarded with expectations and then told we had and have to be perfect or we won’t be loved.
    I can’t do it. So I sit in guilt day after day.

    I dunno, something like that. Or maybe, nothing like that. It’s all kind of a blur now. Who really knows what I’m trying to express. Certainly not my psychiatrist. He slept through my last appointment. Wish I could make him feel guilty. I assume that’s impossible, since I doubt he feels anything.

    Anyway.
    Guilty of getting sidetracked by my own shit.

    I’m not yet a mum. Not sure I’m supposed to take on that responsibility. I can’t yet take care of myself properly. I’m almost mid 30’s and I’ve just started at university because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with myself. I’m now on summer break, until February, so if there’s anything I can do that helps you/supports you, in any way whatsoever, please reach out. I am literally watching tv, twitch and YouTube all day because I can’t get past all the shit my brain tells me.

    You have kids that have all that they need to stay safe and healthy. You’re doing a great job! Don’t let your brain tell you otherwise!

    Thank you for your writings mummy. Thank you for your honesty. I’m sure I’m not the only one that appreciates all the things you do accomplish. And you never know what might be… just around the river bend. (I have no idea where that came from… my brain: o.O >.< *facepalm* )

    I hope you have a wonderful day.

    Big hugs from Australia!

    xo MB

    P.S. God I ********* hate Xmas! I hope we can both find a way to grin and bear it!

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