Monday and Looking For Meaning

Fun at the farm

Fun at the farm

Getting out of bed this morning felt like climbing Ben Nevis (a not particularly happy experience for me, nearly a decade ago, when attempting the three peak challenge.) I had a fantastic family weekend, with no where we had to be and not too much rain. I had a marvellous night out with the girls on Friday, actually feeling part of the conversion for possibly the first time. Then hubbie and I pottered around, got the chores done and had a Chinese with my parents on Saturday, and spent a lovely day taking the children to the farm and catching a 1965 London Bus to the local steam railway on Sunday.

But this morning life still seems so hard. I ache all over, despite spending a chunk of the weekend in bed. Partly my new addiction to the iPad game Angry Birds Go is to blame. Hubbie is addicted and the children now love it too, so in an altruistic spirit, I put it on my iPad and worked through some levels so the kids wouldn’t squabble over hubbie’s version.

And now I’m hooked. It’s my way of being able to watch Game of Thrones, another new addiction in our house, but much too full of sex, gore and brutality for me to watch without a metaphorical cushion to hide the screen when necessary. But the game involves steering by tilting the iPad and I think it’s to blame for my stiff shoulders and aching back. And I suspect Game of Thrones is responsible for my bad dreams!

Joking aside, I do find it hard to find meaning in life at the moment. I read a terrible, moving, post on the Belle Jar blog recently, When Getting Better Is No Longer An Option, where the author described a life battling depression and suicidal thoughts. I can relate, although my depression is being controlled through diet and medication. I don’t actively want to end my own life but these days the future is a void of emptiness without reason or purpose. I’ve reached the top of the mountain, the view is uninspiring, and I can’t see the point in all the pain of climbing back down.

Our ride

Our ride

One of the ways I’ve sought to feel connected to life is by supporting causes, particularly environmental ones, or through championing things on social media. I love signing online petitions and hearing they made a difference, or contributing to worthwhile charities. But sometimes you get it wrong.

I shared a post over the weekend that turns out to have been causing a man terrible trouble, including death threats. I didn’t think it through, I just shared and now I see it was irresponsible of me. A friend pointed out the consequences and I immediately deleted my shared post, but it’s left me feeling awful. The problem with social media is there’s always a deeper story, a bigger picture, and I don’t always take the time to find out what it is. And now my urge to crawl back under the duvet is greater than ever.

But I won’t. I will make packed lunches, get the children to school, go to the supermarket, try not to load Angry Birds Go. I will edit Class Act and walk the dog. I might take an hour to nap or watch Homes Under the Hammer. I will keep looking for a reason to get up every day, to keep climbing. But, oh my, it’s hard.

(Sorry for a less than cheery post for a Monday. But, maybe if you’re also having a bad day, you won’t feel so alone! I also forgot the packed lunch and had to do a 12 mile round-trip to take it in to school, because I was so busy writing, so there’s a lesson for me to focus on what’s important and quit moaning!)

5 thoughts on “Monday and Looking For Meaning

  1. Sorry you have such a bad start to your day. When weekends are such fun, and so relaxed, it is often hard to get back into the 9-5 swing of things, and that’s without depression playing its horrible part. Hope the day gets a little easier x

  2. Every day is a new start. I hope tomorrow goes better. If it’s any consolation I got lost today and did an extra 30 miles or so and an extra hour’s journey time trying to find my way.



  3. I didn’t come on to cheer you up but I hope what I have to say may do so in some measure. I had seen your email notification earlier along with others I follow. I did a bit of reading of posts, commented and then just stopped. I felt like doing something different, feeling something different. Then I remembered that I had downloaded your book and had glimpsed at the opening pages about a week ago, impressed by what little I read.
    I went back into it earlier on and have been hooked since. This feisty female lead and the way she is developing along with the plot is compelling. It reminds me of the Philip Pullman books. The present tense telling in flashback makes for excitement and anticipation of what is coming next. Questions are jumping fast and furiously around in my mind about the potential scope for action and unfolding storyline. I already love this little lass.
    I only stopped to come to your email and let you know how much I am enjoying it. Your storytelling style is fabulous. This is your skill, Amanda. Packed lunches and causes have their major place, absolutely. And normality makes for necessary routine and life. But, 15% into your book, this other child of yours, has me wrapped around her little finger.
    I had lazy plans for tonight. I haven’t been reading books anywhere near as much as was my norm prior to blogging. Reading posts has counted for so much of my reading. But tonight, I am pouring myself a glass of red and snuggling into bed to find out where Leah’s journey will take me.
    And excited at the prospect of a good read. Don’t you just adore when that happens and you begin a book you just know you’re going to love?
    I am not being effusive to cheer you up but, if it helps, I’m glad. I am merely responding to what you have written and I have thus far read.
    The view from the top may not feel worth the effort at this moment but, as someone who has been there before, we know it passes. Look out right now and see what you are accomplishing every day with family and with every word you write.
    I hope today was better for you. And I hope that my words on your talent and worth as a writer may help in that. I’m so glad I stopped briefly to tell you my excitement at finding an author that’s actually someone I ‘know’.
    I’ll post a review in Amazon once I’ve finished your baby/book. 🙂 Best wishes, Amanda. Onwards and still upwards.x

    • Thank you so much for this, I really needed to hear it. Having ground to a halt on my WIP, lost faith in Class Act and recently got yet another three-star review on Dragon Wraiths it’s easy to think I’m kidding myself about being a writer. I hope you continue to enjoy Leah’s story. I feel such a sense of responsibility, ever since a reviewer said of DW that it was hours of her life she could never get back! If nothing else, enjoy your glass of wine. I know what you mean about blogging taking over from reading. I made a choice a few months ago to step back from blogging and get back to reading and I’ve really enjoyed it. Reading blogs is fab but it’s not escapism.
      Thanks again! 🙂

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