Why I Might Be a Paranoid Android

Marvin the Paranoid Android

Marvin the Paranoid Android

I’ve come to realise that my depression might be because I’m like Marvin the Paranoid Android from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. A lot of my problems stem from having a super computer in my head that’s always on, always analysing. If it can’t analyse sales figures and response rates to predict market trends and consumer behaviour, or compare tender applications to choose suppliers, or negotiate partner meetings to produce joint marketing targets, then it will analyse being an author, wife and mother.

It will calculate how many portions of fruit and veg the children have eaten, or it will treat the husband like a business partner, detailing his reactions and responses as if there is a need to feed back to the Board.  It will check book sales figures several times a day, as if month end charts make it necessary to keep up with the numbers, despite being able to tally up the amount of books downloaded on one hand (two on a good month).

Round and round the thoughts go with nothing to work on, like cattle chewing a field back to mud until it may never grow again. Writing gives an outlet for my creativity and, when I’m editing, it answers some of my need to analyse. But, oh my, I think I’ll never be happy unless I get a job and wear my brain out with productive thinking. Except I don’t want to get a management job again, because I wasn’t exactly happy when I had one.

In the meantime I’m walking the dog and simultaneously analysing the episode of NCIS I watched last night, tallying how much good food the kids have eaten this week (not much, although we did have a fantastic time in Skegness. More on that later), wondering if my SSRIs are finally settling, reminding myself to email the editors I contacted last week, making a mental note to text my friend about a playdate, and remembering I have to get my niece a gift for her fourth birthday next week. Oh, and writing this blog post in my phone. No wonder I’m restless and exhausted at the same time.

Maybe I’ll be better when the children’s homework is more taxing. A few quadratic equations to see if I recall any of my A Level maths. Perhaps I should buy some year 4 workbooks and get practising: judging by the curriculum evening we went to at our daughter’s school that tried to explain their new way to teach maths, I might need them!

8 thoughts on “Why I Might Be a Paranoid Android

  1. Brain going like a peerie, as we say, Amanda. I was going to suggest a wee break away and then you mentioned Skegness so you had one. But I’m curious now whether it felt like one. Caravanning can be great fun but I’ve sometimes found it quite stressful too. Especially if you go with other people. 😉 I hope it was fun. Maybe a wee spa break just for you would be the ticket.x

    • Holiday was fun and more of a break than being at home because had another mum to share the childcare. But a sleepless tummy-bug night wasn’t the best start to the week, and four kids under 5 is always tiring! Spa day sounds lovely but I’ll be happy with a day of silence when the kids go back to school in ten days!

  2. I have a job, allbeit a fairly stress free one and it doesn’t stop me always thinking about the next thing I should be doing. I think we have that in common.. always feeling like we need to be on a mission of some kind or else we’re not getting anywhere. Probably Dad instilled the laziness guilt in us or something. I don’t think you need a job, you need yoga or meditation. The only way to still your mind is to practice being in the moment, even when you’re not doing anything at all. Easier said than done, but I did finally start up with yoga again yesterday and had such a lovely day, maybe as a result. The day had the potential to go tits up at one point, when I realised I didn’t have/make time for something that had been on the calendar for weeks, but I managed to talk myself down and thoroughly enjoy the rest of the day just pottering. The sunshine helped!

  3. I do understand the whole revving brain thing. It’s what mine did when I lost my job.

    Luckily, these days, I get totally emerged in my writing, enough to suck it all into that, but I subject myself to the most ludicrously complicated plots as a result. As for maths, I found the new method hard too, but the principle is very similar to the way I taught myself to learn it because of my utter failure to do it the conventional way. Sure I haven’t passed a maths exam since I was 9 but I can manage a budget which is probably more useful.

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