Lessons In How To Be A Bad Parent

In McDonalds

In McDonalds

I just spent a wonderful evening catching up with a good friend (who, thankfully, sees parenting as challenging as I do and isn’t afraid to admit it) while our kids played beautifully together upstairs. If only all evenings could be spent thus.

I was telling her of my new low this week, when I bribed my child to eat some fish finger in McDonalds (he refuses to eat anything but chips and beans, certainly no meat or fish) and it made me think of all the things I never thought I’d find myself saying as a parent (and that have probably secured a special ring of parenting hell just for me).

These are a few I can remember:

  • To my child in McDonalds: “Just eat one piece of fish finger and then you can have your chips”
  • Too frequently, and in the hearing of other parents: “Please just finish your chips and beans, and then you can have your cookie”
  • “Please, can you just watch TV, I’m too tired to take you outside”
  • “Yes you can watch another programme, but it’ll mean no bedtime stories”
  • “Can we watch Ben & Holly? I’m bored of Octonauts”
  • In response to a scream: “Unless you’re bleeding I’m not interested”
  • After daughter practised counting to 100, out loud, ALL DAY: “Can you stop counting now and play Candy Crush instead?”
  • To a chatterbox child: “Would you like your mimi?” (Dummy/Pacifier)
  • To an overly affectionate child: “I don’t want a cuddle right now but I’m sure Kara (the dog) does”
  • “I don’t think a third satsuma/yoghurt/fruit pot is a good idea, would you like a cookie?”
  • “I’m too tired to go to the park and it’s cold, would you like to go shopping?”
  • “Why don’t you watch TV on the iPad; we’ll do your homework tomorrow”

I’m sure there are hundreds of others, and that doesn’t include all the things I swore I’d never ever say, no matter how tired and cranky I got (shut up / go away / serves you right / FFS / don’t you dare / you’re doing my head in and so on.)

Sigh. At least I can make other people feel better about their parenting! Don’t you just love being a mum?

13 thoughts on “Lessons In How To Be A Bad Parent

  1. I bribe my kids too, not something that I am very proud of but we do what we do to keep our sanity. We can’t be angel mommies all the time. I doubt if there are mommies out there who never lose their cool. If there are, they must be aliens. 😉

  2. I have no issues with bribery. Sometimes it is really useful!

    Beans are good food. Be glad he eats them. 🙂 We’ve gone through stages of only chips. They seem to survive somehow. And contrary to popular opinion, put on no weight at all!

    • I know! My kids run around too much to put on weight. It’s only the constant colds if they’ve eaten nothing but rubbish that are hard. Son doesn’t eat fruit at all, only baked beans and carrots! Daughter doesn’t eat any veg, only too many satsumas. It’s amazing they thrive at all…

  3. I hear you! My two year old is addicted to Peppa Pig and knows I can pull them up on my computer, the ipad, and off of the TV. It’s one of the few words he knows!

    • Haha I’ve come to loathe chirpy Peppa Pig, I think I know every episode by heart. Thankfully it’s hard to get them on the iPad (Cbeebies is easier) but at the moment it’s Octonauts driving me nuts. Son watched the same episode eight times today… Arrgghh

  4. Isn’t it bliss. I’ve replied to one too many scream “are you on fire? no, then I’m not coming!”
    I sent up a universal thanks when he grew out of Charlie and Lola. Now I can’t get him off the computer. Come back Charlie, all is forgiven.

  5. my darling, you will not be alone in your fiery hell trust me …. and yes i too appreciate your words of honesty because somedays are just like that! You help me feel like a normal mom too–not the outcast I feel myself as somedays. “mom said they’ll be days like this” unfortunately, I have already had to use that statement twice today lol ….. Thank you again Amanda!! J9;)

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